How do introverts celebrate their birthday?

Until I was 13, I bought into this herd mentality and naturally aped the excitement and the eager waiting that one is expected too to feel on birthdays.

The real issue about birthdays I however think is reciprocation - When people wish you, send you gifts, come to celebrate yours, they expect the same of you. Infact, thats one reason why birthdays are akin to other pyramid schemes like religion.

Just as I was egressing the cycle stand I heard someone calling my name…I turned around and found a classmate of mine, Ishita, who wasn't in uniform running towards me with a packet of toffees…and for a moment I was like why is she chasing after me, not wearing a uniform and offering candies? Did her exam really went that well? Has she gone cuckoo 😜 I get it that midterms concluding is kind of a big deal but to put on a show and distributing candies - that's a bit too much.

Hi everybody! I have been looking at posts on narcs and narc abuse on here and if has really helped me out a lot. I am currently struggling with my situation and need some advice/support. I met a narc last year, everything seemed to good to be true. Love bombing, always texting calling and taking me on dates. Everything changed when someone warned me about him out in public in front of him and who he is. This caused a conflict with us and the love bombing seized. he would tell me that everything is okay and i can come and talk. He would set a time limit on me and kick me out after that. he would then text me like everything was fine and we hung out again and after that he completely ghosted me for one week. He came back and texted me a week later laughing about the ghosting and acting like nothing had happened. he continued to text me ( not like in the beginning) make plans with me, then on the day of the plans he would just ghost me. One day he would act interested the next silence. i contacted him a month later and he acted like nothing happened. He was on a vacation and sent me a picture of another woman ( someone he allegedly met on the trip) to strike a reaction but i never gave him one. After the trip he came to my place and was extremely rude, accusing me of going on dates with a bunch of men. The next day he accused me of being an alcoholic and that he wanted nothing to do with me but said well maybe we can be "friends" then ghosted me i assumed at this point it was over and i would never hear from him again. He contacted me on the holiday a month later acting like everything was great. We ended up hanging out a month or so later and when we hung out it went well, i thought things were going in the right direction. after we hung out.. silence. I would try to text him and if he replied it would be very short then he just stopped replying. He ghosted me for almost three months. I thought he was done this time and of course he popped up again like nothing happened. At this point i was getting sick of if so i questioned him as to why he dissapeared and always does this. Of course he had some sob story about a injury and family member dying of cancer. I felt pity for him and he gave me an apology.. so i took him back stupidly. things seemed to be going smooth for a couple months, of course until his family member died and his injury got better he never contacted me and was distant. Menawhile, i was there for him during the difficult time for him. He lied to me about the funeral and never wanted to chat. I was chasing him and he would always claim nothing was wrong but when i said i thought he used me when he was down he could not handle it and would always tell me he didnt care and to go away. I would get so upset i would try texting him to work it out he would barelt respond and if he did he would not be nice about it. we did hang out a couple times after that, he would ignore me after. One day i was like hey i think you are seeing someone else, and i was like well ixam seeing someone so no problem if you are he said " buy bye good luck with your new guy stop contacting me" i was devastated and tried to get into contact with him for weeks then i just gave up and accepted it was over. He ended up contacting me a month later acting like everything was fine. He wanted to go out and have drinks i told him i would. He and i both seemed to have a great time. He ends up ignoring me again. I kept texting him trying to figure out what was wrong. He kept saying everything was fine and i said ok can we hang out again? He said maybe i was like why? He just kept saying maybe … our last conversation we had… i said what is wrong ? He said nothing is wrong everything is fine. I asked him why he keeps saying maybe. He said " maybe but i dont want to see you right now" i said why? He saix " im just not feeling it, if i wanted to date i would" i said why did you contact me less then a week ago wanting to go out? He said i didnt.. even though he did. So i said should i just move on or what? He said whatever you want to do. So i said that he was really confusing me and asked him if he had anything more to say before i move on? My messages were turning green so i panicked he blocked me and reacted irrationally. I said " omg did you block me? My messages are not going through. Even texted him on my work phone asking what was up. And called him twice ( please dont judge me i know it is pathetic i never was this type of girl before him) so he replied and said " Ok I'll block you now" then immedietly blocked me. He has never blocked me before since I have met him he will just ghost. Is this ths final discard aka " grand finale? Did i just push him too far? this has upset me so much its hard to even function.

I come from a lower middle class family. Growing up my parents had held always held small celebrations for my birthday so I wouldn't feel left out you know - homemade cakes, samosas, jalebis, biscuits, candies, balloons.

For me expression of love and care shouldn't become compulsions that are tied to dates - it's that simple.

I also don't wish other people birthdays. Most are okay with it, but some really take offence. This one time a girl in my office got quite pissed post auditing the wishes people had sent on office whatsapp group. Mine was missing, so she came to my desk and went - “Aren't you forgetting something? And I was like I don't think so. And she was like don't be an ass and wish me. And I went - “Sayan, congratulations on having parents who must have engaged in long sessions of steamy coitus and whose mutual orgasms continue to echo in your existence everyday you live.”

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Over the years, I have met a lot of friends who have felt personally attacked when I tell them that birthdays don't mean much to me.

And so just like that on my 14th birthday, due to a set of odd coincidences, I had become familiar with the inherent stupidity of celebratory commemoration of births.

Being introverted does make large gatherings rather exhaustive, socially draining and mentally taxing.

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She came towards me, smiling ear to ear, offered me candies and said - “Happy Birthday Padhaaku(Hindi slang for Studious Nerds, which I was.) And the realisation dawned on me - we shared the same birthdays. I wished her back immediately, quipping I that she can eat some more of her candies since I had none to offer. She made a face that conveyed annoyance and judgement. I told her I forgot my birthday but my exam went quite well…she responded that it was so like me to have forgotten my own birthday and we had a good laugh about it and parted ways.

Anyways, the crux of the matter is I don't celebrate my birthdays. The most I have done if possible is too take a leave from work and having the day to myself. I may do the routine things that bring me happiness - like spend time with the street dogs in my neighbour, read a book, order coffee icecream or biryani.

A lot of middle class behaviorisms as I was to learn later are acquired than natural. Birthdays seem inportant to us because growing up we see everyone celebrating them.

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As I cycled back, I suddenly felt so relieved and I had this moment of clarity - that birthdays are arbitrary. Infact I suddenly found it funny that people feel hurt when others don't wish them. It’s such a tantrum.

I was all too focussed on the exam and since there were no wishes coming forth I completely forgot that it was my birthday. I went to school, took my exam.(Went really well, I am a big history nerd.). The school got over. I exited the gates and veered into the cycle stand to pick my ride and scurry my way home to enjoy the temporary relief that comes over school going kids once exams are over😏

My girlfriend is understanding and although it took her a couple of birthdays to realize that I don't care about wishes and gifts are forbidden, she now allows me my space.

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As for my girlfriend, it's the same. There have been times when I haven't attended her parties because there are just too many people involved.

The day of my birthday coincided with my History & Civics exam, which was also the last exam. The day before as I prepared for the exam I was kind of excited that it was my birthday tomorrow even though there won't be any party since my parents were away. I studied late into the night. And woke up early next morning for revisions.

Well I don't know about others but I haven't celebrated mine since I was 14.

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But for me while big gatherings are an issue, the bigger issue is the arbitrariness of Birthdays. It kind of dawned on me when I was in 8th standard.

But the point is, that the occasion and ceremony is totally arbitrary.

The way I have found around it is that I am unabashedly clear about my views. If someone invites me over, I tell them straightaway I don't care about your birthday, but I will come over for good food, given it's not too crowded.

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Sayan was puzzled - “Thanks, but wtf is coitus?” - was her response🤣

During childhood it's all about gifts, feeling all too special and getting to do the same things your friends do. When you are an adult birthdays can either be about getting together with friends or even a status issue or even networking. When one grows old, it may be about having an occasion where you can reminise and feel valued.

All of that changed when I turned 14.

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My 14th birthday fell on the last day of my midterm exams. Coincidentally so, my parents were not at home and had travelled to my village due to a family emergency. We didn't have a phone in our home.

As for gifts, I spoil her with surprises, so that's never been an issue.